When you find out something is wrong with your kid

Before David was even born, the doctors saw something concerning on a prenatal ultrasound.  His ureters were enlarged, which could indicate one of a number of different things.  He could have a blockage to his bladder, or he could be refluxing backwards through the system from his bladder to his kidneys.  Either way, not good, so they ordered some ultrasounds shortly after he was born.  These ultrasounds revealed the same thing as before - enlarged ureter, possible blockage or reflux.  The doctors had him go through a test where they injected dye into his bladder that would show up on an X-Ray.  They observed it in real time to see if any of the dye made it up either ureters.  Neither side had reflux, so we could cross that off our list.  He was wetting his diapers regularly, so we figured there was no blockage either.  The doctor scheduled a follow-up a few months down to road just to be safe.

A few ultrasounds later, and the David was in the clear.  We were told that his right kidney was smaller than his left one, but this was nothing to be concerned about, and it would probably catch up.  At least that's what  I remember hearing.  Anyway, fast forward six or seven moths to yesterday when David had another ultrasound.  Once again, the left kidney looked fine.  But this time, the ultrasound tech couldn't even find the right kidney.  Discussing this with the doctor, we found out that when they said his right kidney was smaller than his left, they had actually said it was smaller at 9 months old than it should have been on the day he was born.  In other words, he was born with a small kidney, it likely never grew, and possibly even shrank.  Now it may not even be functional at all, and it doesn't appear on an ultrasound.

The doctor has us scheduled for one more ultrasound at a facility with better instruments in a couple months just to make absolutely certain his hunch is correct.  But in my mind (and in all likelihood) it's already a done deal: my son will grow up with only one healthy kidney.  He will likely be officially diagnosed with kidney dysplasia, thus winning his own little 1 in 4,000 lottery.

In and of itself, this is really not that big of a deal.  There are millions of people alive right now with only one working kidney, living full and healthy lives.  Many people choose to voluntarily donate one of their own healthy kidneys so that someone else can live, and those people are no worse for wear.  So the rational part of my mind has already made peace with the fact that David is now in their boat, and that part of my mind is fine with the logic of it.  But contrary to popular belief, there are so many more parts of a man's mind.  At least this man anyway.  Those parts of my mind have been duking it out over the past 24 hours or so, and it's been a way rougher ride for me than I thought it would be.  Even the fact that this is harder on me than I thought it would be is tough to deal with.  Let me try and unpack this...

At a primal level, I feel like I have failed in my most basic responsibility as a father: to protect my child.  Primal Brain also have sad and ouch inside because little boy is broken and Primal Brain cannot fix.  My Logical Brain comes back screaming "you are moron, Primal Brain, and your grammar is terrible.  This was and continues to be completely outside of your control.  If you failed at this, then George Washington failed to prevent the Bubonic Plague."  Logical Brain is a fan of odd analogies.  But Primal Brain just stares back blankly and is unconvinced, because he is indeed a moron.

Source

On a selfish level, I am angry.  My Asshole Brain is whining like the entitled little punk he is.  He is saying things like "David doesn't deserve this" and "this is so unfair" and "stop writing the stuff I'm thinking about, this is private" and other typical whiny stuff that he likes to say.  But lately he has been no match for my logical side.  When Asshole Brain starts up with his sniveling little pity party, Logical Brain crashes through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man.  "Are you out of you mind?!" Logical Brain says, unaware of the irony in his statement.  "Think of all the kids out there that are going through things a million times worse than this.  David's situation doesn't even register compared to other families!  It would be like if hundreds of years ago some family of Native Americans had to live with severe acne and decided to feel sorry for themselves while across the ocean the freaking Bubonic Plague was raging."  Apparently Logical Brain is also hung up on the plague.

While these two fine gents are having their go at each other, a short, pathetic little fourth brain slowly walks by.  He's muttering some of the most vile stuff under his breath.  Sometimes I shut the door on Logical and Asshole Brain, and get real close to hear what Judgey Brain has to say.  "Logical Brain is right... there are so many worse things David could have.  How dare you get upset about this.  You should be embarrassed that Asshole Brain is even in there throwing a pity party in the first place.  This is nothing.  You want real pain and suffering?  Keep up the ungratefulness at how good you have it and see what karma drops on you next."

It's basically this, but less wholesome and more depressing.

I think I like Judgey Brain even less than Asshole Brain.  But he kind of has a point.  Right now I am following the story of a friend of a family member who has a boy almost exactly my son's age, and that family is going through some unimaginable pain right now.  Here is a link to their GoFundMe page if you care to see what true heartache looks like.  If you choose to read their story, I hope you will consider donating.  I learned about this little boy just a few days before I found out the news about my own son.  The dissonance in my head right now is real.  I feel so conflicted about caring more about my stupid little not-even-a-real-problem than about this heartbreaking situation with the other family.  And I don't mean care in the sense that Logical Brain cares more about David's story, because he doesn't.  I mean care in the sense that David matters more to Primal Brain than the other boy does.

To summarize, I feel like I have failed somehow as a parent.  I feel like I am failing at being a decent human being.  I acknowledge the logic and the facts of the situation, but it doesn't change how I feel.  The fact that I am having this struggle at all makes me even more upset, because I feel like I should be over this by now.  Joy has been conspicuously absent the past few days.  But it helps to write about this and try and unpack some of this stuff.  Even if Judgey Brain is judging me for doing it.